Understanding and Believing II

By the time I was 18 years old I felt grown and couldn't wait to take off and live on my own. Because of the hardships I faced, I was focused on the world, making a name for myself, by selling drugs and doing music. Pretty much, God and the bible was put in last place, because I wasn't seeking or dependent on the spiritual aspects in my life and I was completely in the flesh dealing with things as they came. Eventually reality started to set in and the words of my Grandmother registered inside, but by this time I was doing me, calling myself surviving, and wasn't reading my bible or going to church anymore. Her words were, "I know what you're doing." It's funny how I thought she didn't, when she or anybody else tried telling me, like they weren't my age before. But when she said" one or two places I was headed and that she didn't want those for me, praying for me, I broke down.

I can say from the age of 18 to 22 wasn't a long time of living with the responsibilities and experience in life. I had to learn the hard way and my life took a long unexpected detour from age 22 to 41 being incarcerated. I still feel like I'm behind, don't know enough, and sometimes unworthy of my calling, but little did I I know, it’s a position God wants me in, because it's not about me and what I can do, it's about Him and what He can do through me. Me taking credit for any of this robs God, because I know the situation I'm in is ugly, and that I'm limited and dependent on funds, but I'm somehow blessed to have a platform at this moment and time that I didn't see coming in almost 18 years incarcerated. But, God! He works in mysterious ways. His thoughts are not our thoughts nor His ways are our ways. This is the closest I've ever been to God and the most I've ever read my bible in my entire life. If not from this experience I've had and, reading God's word I'd be lost. However, I still do struggle as we all do because I'm not perfect, but at some point in life, we have to grow, be responsible and accountable for our actions, because we have a decision to make, a side to choose between good and evil to reach our destiny.

One verse my mother would quote to me is Galatians 6:7-9. It says "Do not be deceived, God is not mocked for whatever a man sow ,that he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the spirit will of the spirit reap everlasting life. And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart." Understanding scripture now, because I had no clue that I was reaping what I was sowing and I used to hear it all the time, not knowing what it meant. I sit and think about everything that went wrong in my life and can see what I've sown in the flesh, what my grandmother and mother was trying to tell me and get me to see. The spirit and the flesh is another strong topic I'll touch on next time. But in understanding and believing, each character in the bible faced hardships. They each struggled but had to make a decision to trust God or themselves, the spirit or the flesh and their own desires.

I'd used to feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't when I'm doing good and things were going bad. I'd say forget it in heartbeat but in this field even though I already been going through some crazy things lately like never before, I feel like saying forget this, but quitting is not an option, because it's making me stronger, producing character and perseverance equipping me for the future things ahead to come.

This kept my heart hard for a while, because honestly who wants to suffer by the hands of another or for what the next person has done? Reality is hard and everyday we see something that makes us question is God real? Is He listening? Does he care about you? Will He bring you out of what you're in? Does he still love me after what I've done? Until next time!